For My Sake

Letting go is all I can do. Apathy has always been a good friend of mine. I don't like myself when I'm numb, though. Not anymore than you do. I just can't cope any other way.

Growing up, my family and I moved every 2-5 years. I was born in Ellensburg, Washington 5:22pm Friday, July 18, 1986. I'm pretty sure my parents lived in Cle Elum, WA at the time and just commuted to Ellensburg for the hospital/delivery. I'm not sure exactly how or when, but from there we all (parents, brother, and i) moved up to Dutch Harbor, Alaska. I was still a little baby, less than a year old, I think; And my brother was 3, I guess. We didn't live there long. I'd have to ask my mom how old I was when we moved from Dutch Harbor to Fort Yukon, AK. I do remember I was 3 when we moved from Fort Yukon to McGrath, though. That's when I started making friends. Between the ages of 3 and six I made my first best friend, learned to ride a bike, started making real memories. Got attached.

How as I to know it wasn't going to last? That these people weren't always going to be in my life? At that age, that's the last thing on your mind.

We moved from McGrath to St. Mary's, AK when I was 6. I made some good friends there, but when I turned 8 and my parents told us we were moving, I packed all my toys and threw up the deuces. I was getting the hang of this moving thing. I started to rely on getting the second chance, or 4th, whatever.
When we moved to Nome, I was in the 3rd grade. My brother didn't want to be my friend outside of our house, anymore. Girls would ask me about him. I didn't care, I didn't want to hear about it, I was mad at him. I never understood what any girls saw in him. I thought they all must've been stupid. I didn't want to be their friend. So I wasn't. I didn't do whatever the hell the rest of the girls my age did after school. I sat at home alone watching TV. Arthur, The Magic School Bus, Baywatch (Wtf?). If my brother got home before my parents I'd hide out in my room. He'd just ask me to do his chores. In 5th grade I decided to befriend another outcast. Courtney. She and I were friends until I moved. At 12, though, exactly how close can you be? We were dumb.
After living in Nome for 5 years, I was really sad to leave. It was the longest I had lived anywhere, and it was unexpected... For me, anyway. However, I took the opportunity to make a fresh start. I begged my mom to let me legally change my name to Kate, 'cause I never liked Tricia. She obviously didn't comply, and we were off!

We arrived in Tok, AK just 2 weeks shy of my 13th birthday. This upset me the most. It was summer and I wouldn't have time to make friends to invite to a birthday party. Probably it was for the best. I wasted that summer hanging around the small cabin we lived in while our house was being built. I didn't make any friends before school started. 8th grade sucked. 9th grade sucked. 9th grade the second time sucked. 10th grade sucked. 11th grade was boring. I gave up. I dropped out of High School. The school was a fucking joke. K-12 250 students, I guess you really can't expect much.

Each time I moved to a new town, I eventually got over the one I left. Actually, I didn't want anything to do with my old friends, and I certainly didn't want them to call and remind me of a past life.

I've been away from Tok for the last 4 months, and I'm starting to realize I grew out of it a long time ago. But, I have to go back.

... to understand the difference between an emotional attachment, and love. Like I do.
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    Matt Nathanson - Weight Of It All